Believe it or not, this was my first time trying a smash burger. I know, I know, am I even Capetonian if I haven’t caught onto the trend? A better question is how did I manage to go so long without having one of these burgers? Especially since these joints are opening up faster than the cannabis stores after it became somewhat legalised, with some necessary T’s and C’s of course. It also reminded me a bit of those people that went the whole Covid pandemic without catching it, or supposedly not catching it anyway. Anyhoo, it was time for me to join in the cultish Capetonian smash burger fun and what better way to do so than going to the best of the best, Zuney.
I picked up Tumi, and off we went. On the drive there, he tried to educate me on the smash burger theory, but I am someone that learns through experiences, so it all went over my head. We then discussed a game plan because we were dealing with some serious business. My first smash burger, whoa. We agreed the best way to approach this would be to order everything on the menu. If you are going to do it, do it right, right?
"Yes, I have sent in my application to join the smash burger cult."
We arrived in the city, and after having a few Karens shout at me while I struggled to fit into one of those tight town-like parkings, we were ready to commence on our mission. Walking towards the restaurant the iconic ‘Zuney’ green signage caught my attention. It popped against the dark moody backdrop. Right beneath it was the most perfect sun soaked spot, we quickly secured our seats and headed inside. The interior is best described as urban warmth. The exposed red brick walls were softened by caramel toned leather chairs, and I loved the industrial touches. It was all tied together by warm lighting. It was all very thought out. From my prior research, I know that they focus on farm to table and good quality wagyu meat. The deep greens and leather accents throughout the establishment hinted at that ethos.
It is an order at the counter set up, and there was no confusion here. Above the counter, it read “Order Here. Find a Seat. Eat Good Meat.” So, no awkwardly sitting and waiting for someone who never comes to take your order. Very to the point, I love it. We ordered our first round of burgers, chips, and drinks. The menu is very limited, which I really like. No fuss, simple, and letting the quality speak for itself. We started with The Classic, The Cheese, and the wagyu fries. For my drink, I ordered a Coke Zero, obviously. I’m watching my weight.
We took our seats, soaked up the sun and while waiting for my favourite activity to begin (eating), I went about doing my second favourite activity, people watching. I don’t venture to town much these days as a Deep South Girlie, but I have to say, I do miss watching the hustle and bustle. Emphasis on watching. Zuney is perfectly located in the busy Kloof Street. So, if you enjoy people watching, this spot is for you.
After a few sips of my skinny drink, our food arrived. The presentation was everything. Crisp white boxes, perfectly squared edges, with very clean branding, almost too neat to touch. It was like receiving a gift that you actually wanted. I thoroughly enjoyed unwrapping these presents, the suspense was real. The closer I got to the burger, the more the heavenly smells hit my nose. I almost made myself believe the packaging was edible, I couldn’t wait to eat it. Finally, it was unwrapped and I paused to look at it and take it in. I started with the most logical option, the classic burger. The bun was glossy and smooth, I cut it in half and it had the most beautiful cross section, each layer was well defined, nothing hiding, everything pulling its weight. With my mouth salivating, it was the moment for me to lose my smash burger virginity. Let me just say, it was well worth it. The bun was pillowy soft while still holding its shape and not soggy at all, I think that was due to it being slightly toasted on the inside. The patty had crunchy edges before sinking into a juicy melt in your mouth centre. The caramelised onions were jammy and sweet, melting into the patty like they’d sworn lifelong loyalty to the beef. Must be nice… Anyway! I am a firm believer in pickles on a burger. These ones were thinly sliced and were perfectly tangy, adding a good amount of freshness. A little zesty, kind of like me. Other than the meat tasting like pure quality, the other star of the show has to be the secret sauce. It was creamy, tangy, slightly smokey, and had a subtle spicy heat too. It clung to every bite without being overpowering, but hella addictive. Please don’t leave me alone in a room with it, I don’t trust myself. This was an incredibly good introduction to the famous smash burger. I was very much looking forward to the rest of the menu, for research purposes obviously.
The next burger ready for a thorough inspection was the cheese burger. If not obvious already, it is the classic with a slice or two of cheese in the mix. Once again, I cut it in half and it revealed a neat and well formed cross section. I must add that these brioche buns were so shiny, clearly moisturizing more than I do in winter. Not only beautiful on the outside, biting into this soft and slightly sweet bun is an experience on its own. This burger tasted very similar to the classic burger so I won’t go into full detail with the fear of repeating myself, but the cheese added a creamy, rich, and of course, cheesy taste to it. It acted as a flavour glue, pulling everything together.
It was time for a little burger break. Don’t worry, not a food break, never! We got stuck into the fries. No, no, not any fries, but fries fried in wagyu fat. Haha, try to say that sentence quickly three times. Perfectly golden and crisp, with a mix of curly wurly’s and straight edge queens. A typical day at the hair salon. I reached for the biggest fry I could find and took my first bite. It hits you with all the nostalgia of your favourite fast food fries, but elevated and much better quality. The wagyu fat made them extra rich, meaty, and savoury, it tasted like the fast food king’s and queen’s would eat. My favourite part was most probably the spice mix. It was super flavourful with just the right amount of seasoning and subtle kick. These fries were delicious on their own, but they did act as the ultimate vessel for the secret sauce. They don’t just carry it, they show it off.
I am not going to lie, I was pretty full at this stage, but I am not one to back down. We said we were going to try everything on the menu and best believe that was exactly what we were going to do. At this moment I was very much reflecting on my ‘all or nothing’ type of personality. Unpacking that was for another day, and preferably with the guidance of my therapist. Next on the cards was The Wacon, The Vegan, and the sweet potato fries. We started off strong with The Wacon. What is wacon? Wagyu bacon. Yes, that is a thing. Look, I think you already know the story by now. It is essentially the classic burger with the addition of wacon. All the base elements were just as delicious as the previous two burgers but the wacon? Next. Level. This is not your average bacon strip situation. This was rich, thick, and shredded in a way that screams brisket energy. There was a more than generous layer of this beefy goodness on this burger, and it doesn’t just sit there politely. It sprawls across the patty like it owns the place. Okay, enough of me trying to manifest this burger back into existence. Let’s get into the taste. So, imagine brisket, but upgraded to first class, sipping on champagne, and wearing oversized sunglasses for no apparent reason, that’s Wacon. It was smokey, savoury, and rich. That type of expensive level rich. Gosh, it was so tender and full of flavour. It makes you want to chew slower but you simply cannot, it’s that addictive. This was gone in seconds, and rightfully so.
Now it’s time to completely flip the script. Our last burger we needed to try was The Vegan burger. In all honesty, I was a bit skeptical. A vegan burger? At a wagyu beef restaurant? Surely, this isn’t going to be good? Surely, it is a bit of an after thought? Surely, surely, surely… I was wrong. This burger was just delightful and unexpected. Firstly, it looked like the cool, edgy cousin at the family reunion. Maybe seen as the black sheep, which I can relate to. It didn’t fit in, but maybe it was meant to stand out, here’s me hoping the same for my situation… Anyway! It had its own special sesame bun, and its own vegan secret sauce. I cut into it, and the cross section was very different to the previous Holy Trinity. I took a closer look, and I swear I began to tear up. “Tempeh, is that you?” I love tempeh, I practically lived on it when I was living in Indonesia for a bit. I haven’t been able to find it since, well, good tempeh anyway. Now I was excited, I bit into it and I was immediately transported back to a local tiny roadside warung. The tempeh was earthy and grounding from the fermented soybeans, with little pockets of deeper umami flavour. It was authentic in spirit, even in burger form. The patty soaked up the special vegan sauce without losing the distinct tempeh character. This burger is Indo meets Africa.
After traveling to Bali and back, minus the thirty six hour travel time, it was time for our final item on the menu. The sweet potato fries. Personally, I am a sucker for anything sweet potato. I just love that there is a vegetable that tastes like dessert. How fun! These were the perfect nibble to end off a very indulgent lunch. Since it was sweet, it kind of acted like a dessert. They had perfectly crinkly edges and a golden hour glow. The seasoning was subtle enough to let the sweet potato’s natural caramely notes shine. I enjoyed them on their own, but I am sure they would pair beautifully with the famous secret sauce.
Overall, I had an absolutely amazing afternoon. I can say that I did indeed enjoy everything on the menu. My top three that I would highly recommend is The Wacon burger, the wagyu fries, and most surprising, The Vegan burger. It is a great spot to grab lunch, dinner, or even a late night bite. If you enjoy people watching like me, it is in the most perfect location. The staff are all super friendly, and I loved the fun music in the background.
Yes, I have sent in my application to join the smash burger cult.
Thank you Zuney!
Till next time!
